the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
