My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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