I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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