I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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