Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Are we still banned from the library?
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
