Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
