this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
