we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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