Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Randomize
