I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
