when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
