dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
