what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
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