Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
How's work?
Spinning.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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