you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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