My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
