Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
