gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
