I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
