fuck your aforementioned shoe
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
