Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
