Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
