Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Randomize
