I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize