I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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