my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
