I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
