1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
