Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
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