don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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