well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Randomize
