I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
i wish my penis had a tongue
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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