Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
