I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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