your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Randomize
