I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
