I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
