We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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