Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I didn't notice because vodka
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
