I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
