singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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