I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
