between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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