She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
