theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
