Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
