i wish starbucks made bloody marys
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
