not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
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