I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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