I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
