Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
